I want to remember.

When this season of life passes,  I want to remember what it was like to have a shadow all day long.  I want to remember what it was like to never finish a task the first time I started it.  I want to remember the joy a baby's smile brings it's mama.  I want to remember the lack of silence ALL DAY LONG.  I want to remember how fast they grow out of their clothes.   I want to remember how I longed for five minutes to sip my coffee before it gets to the nasty lukewarm stage.  I want to remember the frustration when no one picks up after themselves.   I want to remember wishing I had more time.  More time.  And more time.  Mostly more time without a baby or small child insisting on mama's attention.   Like right now.    I want to remember the guilt felt when I went on a date or had a girl's night because I had already left them to go to work three days that week.  I want to remember trying to teach them respect and to have a good attitude in a culture that doesn't value them.  I want to remember wishing other adults would hold them to the same standard of behavior that I expect from them and that they are capable of.  I want to remember that some days (and weeks) you had to let the house go because other things are more important.  I want to remember what its like for someone to cook you dinner.  Just because.  I want to remember sitting in the driveway, just to complete a conversation without a chorus in the background.   I want to remember the ache of holding a deadweight in your arms all day long when they are teething.   I want to remember what it feels like for people to comment on your weight.   I want to remember the isolation.  I want to remember what it feels like for the smallest thing to seem like a mountain.  I want to remember I was not the world's best mother. I want to remember I did not have all the answers.   I want to remember the days I felt like a failure.   I want to remember craving time to study my bible.  I want to remember the women who made life a little bit easier.  I want to remember to show love, patience, and grace to other new mama's when my own are grown and remind them their time is not wasted.  They are raising another generation to serve the Lord.

Basement

Basement bedroom and bathroom are now complete.  We'll be taking a brief hiatus for awhile.

A lesson in grief

A little off my usual postings on house renovating.

Grief generally comes at some point in our lives here on earth.  It may come early or late, often or seldom.  It can feel solitary and overwhelming.  We don’t get over the loss of someone, but we have to learn to live with that loss.  How do I live with the loss, if I haven’t been taught?  I read in 1 Thessalonians 4:13 that we don’t grieve as others do that have no hope.  Yet I still grieve.  I still feel the pain of loss.  So I pray for God to comfort me, to take away my pain.  Where can I find comfort better than in God’s word?  God has written more than one sentence for me to read and apply to my life.  So I search. 

(Isa 41:10)  Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

(Psa 73:26)  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

My heart may feel like it has failed, but God is the strength of my heart and I know that all things are possible with Him.  He will give me strength to endure.

(Gen 37:34)  Then Jacob tore his garments and put sackcloth on his loins and mourned for his son many days.

(Gen 37:35)  All his sons and all his daughters rose up to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted and said, "No, I shall go down to Sheol to my son, mourning." Thus his father wept for him.

(Deu 34:8)  And the people of Israel wept for Moses in the plains of Moab thirty days. Then the days of weeping and mourning for Moses were ended.

(Num 20:29)  And when all the congregation saw that Aaron had perished, all the house of Israel wept for Aaron thirty days.

There is a biblical example of the people of Israel weeping for thirty days upon the deaths of Moses and Aaron on two separate occasions.  Reading through the Old Testament makes it seem that they were constantly tearing their clothes and putting on sackcloth and ashes.  Did I take enough time for weeping and mourning?  Or am I concealing what I see as unpleasant and uncontrolled emotion and succumbing to depression and anxiety? Do I grieve in silence, or do I share my grief and let God’s children comfort me?  Have I let the world dictate what is acceptable to me or have I looked at how God’s people have grieved?

(Ecc 3:1)  For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

(Ecc 3:2)  a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

(Ecc 3:3)  a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

(Ecc 3:4)  a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

There IS a time to die, a time to break down, a time to weep and a time to mourn.  And that may be the time I am living in right now.  But there is also a time to heal and a time to build myself up.  And that time will come.  In the midst of pain, it’s hard to even consider the time of laughter and dancing.

(Php 3:13)  Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,

(Php 3:14)  I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Sometimes it feels impossible to forget what lies behind, especially painful memories.  I have read this passage with thoughts of being comforted before, but reading it in a different light brings another application to the passage.  Yes, we are always to strive for our eternal prize, but immersing ourselves in spiritual things and thoughts gives us more strength to if not forget, then lessen the pain and sorrow of this life.

(Psa 119:50)  This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.

(Psa 119:92)  If your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction.

(Rev 21:4)  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

God’s promise endures if we will accept it.  Can we find the comfort in the midst of our grief to know that it will not endure?  God has promised us eternal life, a life with no more tears or mourning or pain.  Yet in this promise, we see that there is a time for crying and mourning.  It is not a weakness, or a lack of faith that we will see our loved ones again.  God’s people mourn as a natural expression of the love that we have for each other and that the object of that love is now gone from this life.  The pain of loss eventually turns into the comfort of healing.

(2Pe 1:3)  His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence.

Sometimes we just remember that He has given us all things that pertain to godliness and forget the fact that He has given us all things that pertain to life as well.  We may feel alone in our grief, and there may not be a single person that we feel understands.  Nevertheless, we have something better, we have a Father that not only lost His son, he has given us the avenue of prayer to talk to Him day or night, and all the hours in between.

(Php 4:6)  do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

(Php 4:7)  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

God instructs us to pray and petition Him with our requests.  What other time do we need the peace of God to guard our hearts and minds more, than when they are consumed by grief?

We may see our loved ones again, but it still hurts now.  We may feel alone, but God is there.  We may be in the time of mourning, but we can take comfort in the fact that one day will be the time for healing.  It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but it WILL come.  And one day, when our pain is not so great, we may need to reach down and bring it back out to help someone else find their way into the time of healing.

Return to Nasty Ash

We are mid-renovation in the basement bathroom but I am going to hold you on the edge of your seat.  Yes, the shower is almost complete, but i like shock value.  In fact, I will revise that and say that I am a huge fan of shock value.  Therefore, I will show you the inordinately entertaining photos of demolition.  And it WAS as fun as it looks.  First if you will recall the horror I purchased.  Ugh. Gross.

When we started tearing stuff out we found this:

Anyone have any ideas what it could be?? We were at a loss.  But in a 40 year old house there is no end to the possibilities.  So, we had to resort to the good old N95's.  It's a mask similar to a respirator for those of you who have never worked with harsh chemicals or TB patients.

Yep, I like to kick down walls in my spare time.  In flip-flops.

Unfortunately, the jackhammer was so loud I did not document the removal of the concrete base of the shower.  Sincere thanks to my wonderful father.

Not done but....

I do realize that there have been no pictures of this house once we've moved in.  There is a reason that I took pictures before the furniture/boxes/junk made its way here.  That reason is that I am not generally speaking a clean freak and I am the mother of a toddler that likes to make Hansel & Gretel trails of toys everywhere she goes.  I believe there is a reason that Better Homes and Gardens does not show homes with junk everywhere and that is because no one wants to look at them.  Therefore, while we are in the process of living, I think this is the end.  Farewell.  At least until the basement starts crying out for help...

A project a day must keep something away, right?  Well, it's not working because every project ends up taking more time and/or materials than previously thought.  But, I hung pictures/artwork today thanks to the contributions of Sarah McMurray and Ashton Clarkson-McCain.

I would think after coughing most of the night, she would want to watch tv or sleep all day, but there was work to be done in the toy box today that just couldn't wait.

The picture to the left gets no credit because I have no idea who took it.

House Arrest Day 4

I feel a little bit like i'm in jail.  I think that my almost 3 year old coming down with whooping cough can be added to the list of calamities that have occurred alongside my many moves.  We had only been in the house a few days when Willow started what I thought was fake coughing.  You know: you ask your child to do something, in response you get a little minuscule cough and an "I don't feel good, mom".  Yeah right, suck it up, do what I say.  Nurses make the meanest moms and I learned from the best.  I probably would've chalked it up to allergies for at least another week if we didn't have friends with children being tested for whooping cough. So, Willow started her antibiotics on Thursday evening and we are house bound until they are gone.
I am thankful that she is old enough that we are at home instead of in the hospital.
I am thankful that I bought a cool mist humidifier even though I thought it was a scam.
I am thankful that we are in a 3 bedroom house instead of our apartment.
I am thankful for netflix.
I am thankful for being forced to stay home and stare at all the little things that still need done until I do them because I can't stand them sitting there any longer.
I am thankful for all the sunday school/preschool websites that have lessons you can print for free.
I am thankful that my oven is still possessed by a friendly spirit that hasn't passed over yet, because when it does, I will have to buy a new one.
I am thankful that I have been home to field craigslist calls.
I am thankful that it is only 81 degrees outside so I can possibly take Willow in the backyard without her suffocating.
I am thankful that Madison has escaped whooping cough so far even though no one tells you your child isn't immune until after their age 5 shots.
I am thankful that none of our family has caught it yet.
I am thankful I can leave the house tomorrow evening.
I am thankful that Willow has apparently gotten tired of pull-ups and asked to wear panties this morning.
I am thankful that my child is still excited about having bible class and does not ask to watch tv instead.
I am thankful for the internet so I don't feel like I'm in a black hole.
I am thankful for my husband taking my child downstairs or entertaining her when I can't stand her touching me anymore for the day.
I am thankful for pinterest even though I do not need to start any more projects.
I am thankful for the forced quality time spent with my child.
I am thankful for God who makes me stop and consider my blessings even when it's not in a way I would choose.